


I x Love x You

by HanaKaicho



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Death, Gen, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:48:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21844678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanaKaicho/pseuds/HanaKaicho
Summary: Post canon.Kurapika, having utterly destroyed himself with his Nen, is saying his goodbyes to Leorio, Gon, and Killua.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 16
Kudos: 51





	I x Love x You

**Author's Note:**

> So, um, ow.
> 
> This is an angsty piece I penned for the 2019 secret santa exchange on tumblr! My recipient had very open ended wishes and, after confirming they were okay with getting angst for the secret santa gift, I busted out the rest of a wip! (and subsequently decided to take the main part of the wip out to be put in a different fic lmao) 
> 
> Please note: the narration is, though written in third person, from Kurapika's perspective and does include a description of his experience as he dies. If that is outside of your comfort zone, please either do not read this fic, or stop when you get to the mention of "heavy numbness" 
> 
> Well, without further ado, here is the most brutal piece of fic I've ever written!

“Kurapika!” Gon called upon entering his room. 

Kurapika knew he looked bad but when he saw horror flash in Gon's eyes, he recognized he must have looked much worse than he thought. 

He knew his skin was pale and thin, easily showing many blood vessels one wouldn't normally see on a healthy person. He heard he'd lost a lot of weight but after he'd started noticing it, he avoided looking at or touching himself so he suspected he'd lost even more than he allowed himself to be aware of. He wondered what else Gon saw. 

“Hello, Gon,” he said, internally cursing how weak his voice sounded. “It's good to see you. How are you?” 

“Kurapika, how… how did it get this bad?” Gon asked, ignoring Kurapika's question. “What _happened_?”

“I used my Nen too much,” Kurapika answered honestly. “I assume Leorio already told you how it works?”

Gon nodded with a glance at the doorway.

_So he's still out there._

Leorio hadn't come to see Kurapika since the last time they'd argued and Kurapika had told him not to come back but, just as Kurapika expected, he still came to the hotel.

Gon walked up to Kurapika's bedside and picked up one hand very delicately, as though he expected Kurapika would break at the slightest mishandling. A shaky breath left him as he put his hand over Kurapika's, holding it between his hands. 

“You're cold,” he said quietly. “You feel…dead.”

Gon's hands started to tremble as he began crying. 

“How could you do this?” Gon asked. 

“I needed the power to defeat the Phantom Troupe no matter what,” Kurapika answered. “And I did it. They're gone.” 

“So are you!” Gon retaliated. “You had us! Your friends! You could have asked us for help! You didn't have to do it on your own!”

“I did, Gon,” Kurapika replied, matter-of-factly. “I couldn't involve others in my quest for revenge. You three were put in a lot of danger just from helping me in Yorkshin.”

“You can't just make decisions like that for us! You can't just go through this valuing yourself so little and just throwing your life away!” Gon yelled.

"Gon!" Killua burst into the room.

Multiple feelings Kurapika couldn't fully identify flashed across Killua's face as he took in the scene and went to Gon, guiding him to sit in a nearby chair. Kurapika noticed that, though primarily focused on Gon, Killua kept stealing glances at him, seemingly entranced. 

With an uncertain tone and a distressed look at Kurapika, Killua asked Gon, "What happened? I could hear you from the lobby." 

The fire behind Gon's outburst had made him look bigger than he was but, as the seconds elapsed, he shrank before Kurapika's eyes. 

When Gon didn't answer, Killua looked at Kurapika properly. The shock and desperate desire to flee were barely disguised on his face.

"Kurapika?" he asked, prompting him to answer the question. 

Kurapika swallowed, an act that took much more effort than it should have, and held his tongue as well. 

Though it was certainly much less time than it felt, the following silence felt like it went on for ages.

Deafening.

Suffocating.

Isolating. 

Isolating. That's what he'd been doing this whole time. Isolating himself, cutting his friends off from him. It hurt now. Now that it was all over. His first chance at rebuilding his life had been with these three and he'd squandered it. It might not have been so bad if he hadn't made it into his only chance. It wasn't that he was dying that he regretted. He had made peace with that when he had chosen his Nen abilities. His regret was how he had wasted the love Gon, Killua, and Leorio had offered him. 

When he couldn't bear it any longer, Kurapika took a breath and said, "I'm sorry." 

Kurapika started to cry but it didn't last long. He was winded and exhausted almost immediately and - 

The next thing Kurapika was aware of was a painful pressure on each shoulder. 

"Kurapika!"

Hearing Leorio's voice full of panic and concern, Kurapika wasn't sure if he was glad or chagrined he hadn't died just then. 

"Kurapika, wake up! You asshole, if our last words are that fight, I'll never forgive you!" Leorio continued to yell. 

"That hurts," Kurapika managed to say. "Your grip is too tight." 

"Oh, god, Kurapika," Leorio said, relieved. "I didn't know if you were gonna wake up this time." 

Leorio let go of Kurapika's shoulders and held him tightly in a hug. 

"I know you told me not to come back but I - " 

"I'm sorry." 

Leorio neither did nor said anything for several agonizing seconds. Then, he pulled back and held Kurapika at arms length. 

With tears welling in his eyes, Leorio said, "Well it's about time you apologized, you bastard!" 

Kurapika nodded. "You're right. It's long overdue." 

For a long moment, there was no sound in the room other than Gon and Leorio sniffling. 

Kurapika finally spoke up and asked, "Leorio, do you remember what you told me you were taking the Hunter's Exam for and why?" 

Leorio nodded. 

"Listen," Kurapika said. "Don't consider me one of your failures. When I die, it's my fault. I did this to myself and nothing you could have said or done would have avoided this." 

Leorio's face grew red with a desperate effort to keep from sobbing that ultimately proved in vain. 

In a tone he didn't think anyone could hear, Kurapika murmured, "At least I won't be around much longer to hurt you all like I always do." 

Killua's eyes flashed with indignant rage and in the blink of an eye, he stood on Kurapika's bed, holding Kurapika's collar in his fist. 

"Don't you _dare_ say that like it's a good thing," he growled. "We're your _friends_. I don't consider just anyone my friend so don't use your dying breaths to insult me, cutting yourself down." 

Kurapika looked up at Killua, surprised. Killua had been so reserved so far in this visit and Kurapika didn't realize he had such strong feelings on their relationship. 

Accepting Killua's rebuke, Kurapika solemnly nodded and put his hand on Killua's fist. 

"Thank you," said Kurapika. 

Killua swallowed and took a shaky breath, letting go of Kurapika's collar. Much more slowly, he climbed down off Kurapika's bed and returned to Gon's side. 

Kurapika started to feel a heavy numbness seep into his body. 

_This is it, isn't it?_

If he'd agreed to spend his remaining days in a hospital, he might have had more time to say goodbye. But at the end of it all, he only had these three left. He didn't need a long time and he wanted to die with dignity when it was time for him to go. So there would be no one except Killua who could bring him back when he slipped away. 

The numbness traveled up his legs. 

"Leorio, Gon, Killua." 

His head began to feel foggy and he felt very tired. 

"I want to thank you all for everything." 

He had to focus very hard on breathing so he could say what he needed to. 

"Your value to me is immeasurable and I appreciate all the care and affection you have given to me." 

Numb to his waist. Couldn't focus his vision. Hands cold. 

"Kurapika, please don't go!" Gon begged. 

"It's okay Gon." Kurapika took a breath. "I'll finally be with my people again." 

"God damn it! How the hell do you expect me to not count this as a failure?" Leorio shakily demanded. 

"I'll…be okay…Leorio."

His eyes drifted shut. 

"Killua…"

Tightly, "Yeah?" 

"Don't bring me back. Let me go." 

Barely breathing. 

"Gon, Killua… Leorio…" 

Drifting. 

_I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> So...uhhh...Merry Christmas twelvemagpies???


End file.
